CEDAR KEY TO HOST MULLET LEAPING CONFERENCE
April 1, 2020
Dr. F. Gurn Pinkleyton-Smith has announced his intention to host a meeting of noted Ichthyologists next winter whose purpose is to answer the age-old question: why do mullet jump? Pinkleyton-Smith, chair of the department of marine biology and chainsaw sculpturing at the prestigious Bland College, has chosen Cedar Key as the conference host since it features almost daily examples of the finned leapers.
A number of familiar theories will be covered, including that mullets jump as part of a mating ritual. Dr. Yin Wang Du of the Beijing School of All Matters Sea and Land believes the male of the species leap to impress the female, although Du will argue that females often choose the weaker jumpers out of pity. Dr. L. Philbrick “Foofer Feet” Phistle, professor of some science or another at a school somewhere west of Dothan, Alabama, plans to stick mostly to the traditional idea of jumping as territorial, with one new twist: Phistle has calculated that three leaps in succession may mean “stay away- this area’s mine,” two suggest fighting over the plot, and one means “offer pending.”
The keynote address will be presented by Dr. Donald “Dud” Diddley, who will posit his theories on mullet poker. According to Diddley, mullet have been photographed collecting sea debris like beer cans, discarded lures, plastic water bottles and parts of sandals and bikini bottoms and arranging them in “hands,” which they then “bid” on through a series of jumps and leaps. “A single, clean jump means hit me” claims the dashing doctor. “Two quick leaps- splash- then splashsplash again signifies a call.” More than two jumps can mean anything from “I see your red bull can and raise you 5 Publix bags” to a downright royal flush, the content of which has eluded the doctor so far. Diddley hasn’t proven any of his theories yet; they’re still a work in progress. “Those mullets are damn good bluffers; I’ll tell you that” claims Dud, whose presentation will include underwater photographs and tiny bits of cigar stubs possibly used in previous games.
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